Ryan Burns

1.  JOSHUA F. CRIBBS: Let me say this clearly: If you have anyone else ranked #1 here, you simply do not have the Sickness, because if you don’t have Josh Cribbs ranked #1, you haven’t watched enough recent NFL football to see what should be obvious. In other words, you’re wrong. Listed at 6’1” and 215 lbs, the thing that separates Cribbs from all other great return men is sheer, unadulterated power.  All return men have speed, and Cribbs doesn’t lack for it.  But most of them get through the mass of humanity by running away from it.  Cribbs runs through it.  More than once I have seen grown men who play NFL football for a living deliberately avoid tackling him, and I’m not just talking about kickers.  An undrafted quarterback out of Kent State in ’05, he’s been at this all of five years and already owns the ALL-TIME NFL RECORD for Kickoffs returned for TD’s, with 8 (including this one in Oakland in week 3 of the 2007 season with me in attendance).  He once returned two kickoffs more than 100 yards for TD’s in a single game.  Nobody punts to him anymore.  To emphasize the point, I hereby drop the coveted “F-Bomb” on Mr. Cribbs, an honor long overdue for this Browns weapon.  I’ve seen a lot of good returners.  Hell, the Browns alone had Gerald “The Ice Cube” McNeil and Eric Metcalf, both devastating in their day. I’ve seen Devin Hester, Dante Hall, Mel Gray, Desmond Howard, Brian Mitchell, Vai Sikahema…all of ‘em.  Joshua F. Cribbs is better.

2. PERCY HARVIN:  Yeah, I know he’s only a 2nd year guy and hasn’t yet proven everything.  Blah, Blah, Blah. Don’t kick it to him.  Just don’t.

3. DESEAN JACKSON: He’s only this low because he gets so few opportunities these days.  Absolutely lethal with the ball in his hands and a modicum of space.  Another undersized player who is tough, crazy fast and deftly avoids the big shots.

4. DARREN SPROLES: Like Harvin and DeSean, Sproles has the kind of speed that is incomprehensible to the human mind until it is seen in person.  And while in many other areas of football being undersized is a significant disadvantage, Sproles uses it as his edge. He’s impossible to find behind his blockers and then he hits that hole at blinding speed.  By the time you see him, he’s by you. Like all tiny NFL’ers, he’s tough as nails.  Every team should have one.

5. DEVIN HESTER:  “Devin Hester, you are RIDICULOUS!” It’s a damn shame we don’t get to see it anymore.

Sen Sogah

1.  JOSH CRIBBS: I tried not to put him number one, but that would just be hating. He’s the only weapon the Browns have, although a certain Sickness editor may disagree. (Editor’s Note: I do disagree, but just barely.) Every time he touches the ball, he is looking for the paint.

2.  DESEAN JACKSON: Since he doesn’t do much kick returning (ok, none), he can’t overtake Cribbs. His ability to make the NFL look like a video game is awesome. With McNabb gone, he is the Eagles’ biggest playmaker.

3.  DARREN SPROLES: His height is his biggest advantage. He hides behind the blockers and then explodes with pure speed. Why do people still kick to him? Answer: stupidity.

4.  PERCY HARVIN:  This isn’t college but you wouldn’t know it by the way he exploded into the league. The only thing that can control his impact on a game is migraine headaches.

5.  TEDD GINN, JR.: His only redeeming quality is that he has mad speed and is a great return man. I’m still waiting for the Tuna to call him “she.”

Jason Anderson

1.  JOSH CRIBBS:  He scored the most touchdowns last year so this was pretty easy.  An extremely electric player who is in the mold of Dante Hall and Devin Hester when they were peaking in the return game.  Similar to those guys, however, he seems to be having a difficult time translating those skills into the offense on a permanent, consistent basis.  Our fearless editor will no doubt blame coaching and/or the game plan (Editor’s Note: he’s solid in the Browns’ version of the Wildcat), but I think this guy should just stick to doing what he does best; destroying 99-yard, time sucking drives by his opponents with a return touchdown in five seconds flat.

2.  DESEAN JACKSON:  Similar to his play at wide receiver, all of his returns go a long, long way. He had the highest punt return average in the league last year.  Starting drives at the 40 yard line or better is always a good thing for any team.

3.  CLIFTON SMITH: Highest kick return average last year.  Speed demon.  Some times he runs so fast, the tv camera can’t even stay on him.

4.  PERCY HARVIN:  He can do it all, literally.

5.  DANNY AMENDOLA:  Shhhhhhh.  Don’t tell anyone.   (Editor’s Note: Oh, don’t worry.)

Cabeza de Vaca

Argh, here we go again, more Kicking game nonsense. This time, the good people at FootballSickness.com have asked me to review the top five Kick Returners in the NFL. I want to make it perfectly clear, I don’t believe in Kicking the football! That is unless maybe the Field Goals were to be mandatorily drop-kicked, otherwise, it’s a damn waste of my time, and yours too. Put the ball on the 20 after touchdowns and let’s go. Until then, its silly soccer is what it is. Sure, someone will, on occasion, find a seam and break a runback for 6 points…but of the more than 1500 kicks in the NFL last season, only 19 of them were returned for TDs…yes, 19, and them is soccer like numbers, if you ask me…NIL, NIL make me squeal…

Therefore, with much contemplation, I’ve decided that the kicking game is plain and simple, a conspiracy by the NFL to have more television commercial breaks…One before the kick, and one just after…and it really chafes my pigskin. I know, I know, you may be asking yourself, “but your column for the Sickness is called ‘All Three Phases,’ so why then are you being so merciless on Special Teams?”

Well, just so we are clear: ‘All Three Phases’ may not mean what you think it means. For the record, what it means is this: All Three Phases: What I dream before the games, the voices inside my head during the games, and the floop that oozes out of my pen after the games…

Just so we are clear…

Anyways, because I am nothing if not dutiful, here are my top 5 dudes who are man enough to hear the footsteps:

5. DOMENIK HIXON: Every time he drops a pass and has to endure that horrible Coughlin scowl, he seems to make up for it by twisting off a fat return with a few what the hell did I just see zigs and zags. Plus, he just looks so manly in his uniform.  (Editor’s Note: Mr. DeVaca submitted prior to Hixon’s injury, and is on US OPEN assignment in Pebble Beach, CA.)

4. DARREN SPROLES: Because he would die trying and you want to be there to see it.

3. JOHHNY KNOX: Anyone that can move Devin Hester to the bench needs to be on this list.

2. PERCY HARVIN: Just you wait and see!

1. JOSH CRIBBS: Duh.