According to the boys at Pro Football Talk, former Golden Domer and Seattle Seahawks rookie wide receiver Golden Tate was apparently apprehended last night inside a donut shop in Bellevue, Washington. “Wait a minute,” you might say. “What’s illegal about eating donuts? Has the NFL finally gone too far with this substance abuse program thing?”
GOLDEN TATE REALLY LIKES DONUTS
Well, it turns out the donut shop was closed at the time. Minor detail. Look, I’m not about to pretend I haven’t on numerous occasions considered breaking and entering a donut establishment in the dark of night. You walk by the dark storefront without a care in the world, but like a siren from beyond the horizon, dimly-lit trays of day-old pastries call you. I’ve been there. And so, I rise in his defense.
But when you play in the NFL, you simply can’t do things like this. Here’s why. First, it makes you look like an idiot (this is bad in any profession). The greater Seattle area is loaded with hippies and college students. There’s a 24-hour donut shop around up there somewhere. Find it. Second, I can only assume that nothing sets off Commissioner Goodell’s Substance Abuse Program Red Flag Machine faster than a young man essentially committing burglarly (the breaking and entering of a dwelling house at night with the intent to commit a felony therein) to plow a tray of chocolate crullers, rainbow-sprinkled frosties, and maple twists. If you want the Commish to think you’ve got a world-champion-level case of the munchies, this is probably the best way to go about it.
Fortunately, Golden avoided arrest this time. If he stays on the right path from here on out, this little foolishness will eventually be forgotten and discarded as youthful stupidity. But by indulging certain impulses that I think it’s safe to say we’ve all had from time to time, he just landed on a radar screen that it’s best to avoid.
*This message brought to you by the good folks at the 24-hour donut shop at the Newport Beach, CA pier. For the first half of this decade, they kept my late night snacky cravings well sated. Standard order: ham and cheese croissant- and no matter when you show up, they’ll tell you: It’s fresh out of the oven.